Desire
Our commitment to Fellows does not end when their fellowship ends; their year with us is just the beginning. There are still phone calls, texts, exchanges on Instagram or Facebook, with an occasional chat on the front porch. With that in mind, we’re excited to share a post from a Fellow who was with us for our first year…
"Kaitlyn, what do you desire?"
It's a question I've been asking for the past month. It started when I asked my friend and former Interyear Director, Tim, to give me a theme question I would carry with me into my retreat that was taking place early on in December. I was going to be spending four full days in deep reflection, and I wanted a focused theme for these reflections. Time was inching closer to my "clothing" ceremony where I would become a novice in the Order of Saint Helena, and the retreat was intended to center me as that time approached. I shared all this with Tim, and for a few days he prayed and thought over what kind of question I would take with me on retreat. Eventually he came back with the one above. "What do you desire?"
I spent my retreat in deep contemplation around this question. What is it, truly, that I desire? I realized that I do certainly desire to continue testing my vocation in the monastic way of life with the Order of Saint Helena. But there was something else. Something deeper.
One day on retreat, while I was out on a walk on the beach of Tybee Island, I came across a wooden bench swing. I settled myself down on that swing and pulled out my journal with the waves rolling in front of me creating the best kind of background noise. In my stream-of-conscious writing there on the beach, I began to piece some things together. Namely, I finally put words to the root desire of my heart. My deepest, most inner desire is simply to be desired. To be loved. To be chosen.
As waves crashed onto the shore, a new realization crashed into my consciousness. My sisters, these lovely and loveable women, have chosen me. They looked at me for the first time over a year ago and saw a potential sister. They evaluated me through applications, interviews, reference calls, and a two week "aspirant" visit, and saw the inklings of a calling to this life. They have lived alongside me for six months as a postulant. In that time, they have walked with me through every manic upswing and depressive pit I've experienced. They have hugged me when I was missing my family and grieving over losing my Papaw. They have laughed with me over funny nicknames and silly pirate hats. They have eaten meals with me and they've bonded with me over movies. They have studied and prayed alongside me. They have comforted me as I cried and have born the fullness of heartache with me as I adjusted to life in a new state among new people and with a new schedule. Through it all, every single up and down along the way, they have looked at me and said "yes."
Because of my past, something tells me it will be a long road of hard work to truly believe my chosenness and the permanence of it. In my more difficult moments, I worry about my sisters one day waking up and realizing I'm "too much." But it's in those moments that I recall that moment on the beach... that wave of realization that these relationships have already been tested, and my sisters are still here.
In the two weeks following my return from retreat, I continued processing the concept of desire. And I realized that my sisters' choosing of me wasn't the full story. They have desired me to be among them, yes, but that is just a signpost pointing toward Someone else who has desired to be with me. God desires me. Choses me. Loves me. And the way my sisters model my chosenness and belovedness simply points toward this greater reality.
Yesterday, December 20, 2020, I stood before my sisters in our chapel to receive my habit, take my new name, and be "clothed" as a novice in the Order. In the ceremony, I heard the question of my retreat come back to me from the mouth of one of my sisters.
"Kaitlyn, what do you desire?"
In that moment, surrounded by these women whom I love so dearly, I felt my throat constrict just slightly with the stifled emotion of my response.
"I desire to give myself to God through this community, to share in its work and worship, and by this commitment to learn and live the ministry of Christ."
Discernment isn't a "one-and-done" kind of exercise. It is a way of living, a posture of self. I have been discerning this call toward the religious life for years, but it took root in a way that I finally pursued when I was asking big questions alongside Tim and the Interyear fellows. The Interyear program helped me focus on my sense of calling, and everywhere I turned (including times I actively turned away from it) I knew all the while what direction I was being led.
The weight of all those moments settled on me as I stood and proclaimed my desire to be clothed as a novice. I felt the fullness of each step I'd taken that had brought me to that moment. Steps that were easy to take and soft, like walking on a sandy beach. Steps that were rocky and had bruised my feet along the way. Steps that I'd taken almost unconsciously because they had seemed so natural. And steps that I thought long and hard about, as if I were learning all over again how to walk.
As I stood on shaking knees, I made a promise before those wonderful women to continue this lifestyle of discernment alongside them. To grow and learn in love with them. To be their sister.
Last night, for the first time, I was called Sister Martha Julian. For the very first time, I saw myself in my very own habit. For the first time, with trembling hands, I wrapped my cincture around my waist and settled my cross under my collar. It was a lot of firsts, and yet, in a way, it felt like coming home.
The amazing thing about all this is that my discernment process isn't over. I still get to have dreams and desires. I have not "achieved" anything, and instead will be spending my time deepening and growing. This isn't about checking boxes and climbing ladders. That's not what living into a calling is about. Rather, as I've come to understand it, living into a calling is about learning how to be always in the process of "becoming." I believe it is about co-creating with God the truth of our identities and uncovering the Truest Self that there is to be.
Part of that, for me, is truly accepting my chosenness and my belovedness. I am humbled and excited for the years to come alongside my fellow sisters. I look forward to the discernment ahead, and am so, so grateful for the discernment that has brought me thus far.
You can read more about Sister Martha Julian’s (Kaitlyn’s) journey on her website - Spoken Silence.