Paying Attention

I find much of my value in productivity. If you read my last blog post, you know that my personality type is perfectionistic. Rather than slowing down or tuning into life, I am much more inclined to keep moving (an object in motion stays in motion, and all that) and keep turning the volume up. I can’t be or feel useless if I don’t have time to be.

I think most of us know that this unceasing, so-called productivity doesn’t work. Eventually we will burn out. I did. I do. And yet, I continue convincing myself that I don’t need to stop, carrying a deep fear that if I do, I won’t be valuable anymore. How do I move past this default?

“Gilmore Girls.” This story of a former teen mom and her now-teen daughter who live in smalltown Connecticut fills me with joy and peace. Believe it or not, I lived 23 years of my life without watching this staple TV show, so now I’m catching up. (I’m still only halfway through the series, so no spoilers!) Yes, TV still counts as “turning the volume up.” Yes, there are many valid arguments as to why rotting in front of a TV doesn’t represent true rest or attunement to life. Yes, “Gilmore Girls” is overdone and often cheesy. But at least at this point in my life, the hour a day I become engrossed in Lorelai and Rory’s antics represents an hour of calm. I don’t pull out my laptop, I don’t clean the kitchen, I don’t write out a grocery list. I am present. I am engaged. I am paying attention.

During my Summer Fellowship, we read the book Mindful Silence by Phileena Heuertz. In her chapter “Finding Liberation by Discernment,” Heuertz comments that “paying attention is itself prayer” (page 66). This stuck with me. Praying is hard for many reasons, one being that I must stop. It’s hard to turn off my thinking brain and focus on God. But if I can just tune in? That is a beautiful way to be.

Since immersing myself in “Gilmore Girls,” I notice more. While taking walks, I see a house that reminds me of the Gilmores’, or I notice how these early, moody fall days remind me of Stars Hollow. I am grateful for these days and this time and these moments. I breathe deeper. I take slower steps. I turn off my internal to-do list. “Gilmore Girls” helps me to be rather than do. I am paying attention. I am resting in the grace of a slower life. May you do the same.